Tuesday, November 13, 2012
If you have ever eaten on the beach, you know that there's nothing so pesky as the gulls and terns that walk closer and closer hoping for a bite. They establish a perimeter around your towels, a distance they have determined is safe enough for a quick escape should they need it, and they stare you down. One of the things I'm struggling with as tasoni these days is boundaries--the distance I keep between me and others.
I have always been a very private person, but becoming tasoni means making that privacy official and permanent. My father of confession advised me that "Distance is excellent." I understand exactly why that is. Some people can take intimate knowledge about me and use it against me: "Did you know that Tasoni...!!" It sounds cruel and cynical, but it's true. I have seen it happen.* There is also a great danger in allowing myself to come closer to one group than another. Abouna and Tasoni cannot have favorites; we are guardians of the unity of the church.
So, distance is excellent. I'm slowly coming to accept that. The priesthood is a lonely life. It's a lot like the phrase "Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink," except it's "Friendly people everywhere and not one best friend."
I have recently become good friends with one member of the church, a wonderful and faithful servant. But this friendship, like all relationships as tasoni, is fraught with dangers. I am always struggling to mark out the line between "good friends" and "too much information." I need to keep even this person at a 10-foot radius.
This is perhaps easier to understand in abouna terms. You go to the priest with your problems. He listens and can be trusted with them fully. The priest cannot come to you, though, and vent. It's unnatural. Unfortunately, it's the same with tasoni. I am more than willing to listen to problems and can be trusted with them. I have always been a good listener, so this comes naturally. But I cannot expect to then vent to the same person.
If I were to be honest with you, I barely opened up to anyone before anyway. My mother always raised me to be paranoid about friends: "You never know when they'll turn against you!" This distrust was born of actual incidents in her life when friends betrayed her trust. Something about making this paranoia official makes me incredibly uncertain and insecure. Every action I take, every word I say, I have to review in my head a hundred times, asking how will this be perceived?
Even so, I can make mistakes. I throw out a bread crumb, and the gulls swoop in.
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*Please don't be that person. When you talk about Abouna and Tasoni behind their backs, you are choosing to become an instrument of the devil to sow discord and distrust. You are threatening the church of Christ: "Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?" James 4:4
I have friends in real life who are not connected to my church or denomination and those are the people that I am "real" with. I've had parishioners use things against me and I do keep some distance.
ReplyDeleteI believe this will be easier for me once I go back to work (if!). Still, venting and complaining to people outside the church is tricky for me. I wouldn't want them to get the idea that I'm unhappy in/with our congregation because 98% of the time I am utterly ecstatic. But it's hard--exhausting--to be positive, peppy and upbeat all the time :D! It can be a pressure-release to find something to be annoyed about or make a joke about. God knows there's a lot of pressure.
DeleteIt's something I never even considered, but sounds sadly logical now that I hear it. Also, you have inspired me to talk to my father of confession.
ReplyDeleteAn insightful post into the life of a Tasoni.
Definitely talk to your father of confession... they've seen it all.
DeleteA personal rant on understanding how you feel. Everyone comes from a different background and upbringing. Some may have had support some may have not. Some grew up in America and some did not. Some have had wonderful families some have not! It is a blend. I feel I have no true friends in the church. It seems to me that most focus on a friendship based on supply and demand! I do not want materialistic things or superficial things! I do not want someone to drive me around or drop off my children. I want a real friend to be stupid with! To be smart with! All I want in return is laughs, support, and equal reciprocation! Is that too much to ask? Being superficial all the time kills, should I no longer even want to serve. There is no socializing by the time I am done serving everyone has left. What about the servants serving does anyone ever consider the servants left serving if they want to join afterwards? it's important to include those that are serving. I feel no one wants to take the time to get to know the other person. What you see is definitely what you do not get. You have to dig deeper inside to reap the benefits. It's peeling layer by layer. Let's make time to get to know one another and others! So let's not judge by the appearance or by the 5 minute conversation we may have had, lets give others a chance and build the foundation of friendship together! This is what the Coptic church needs. The meaning of friendships, how to form them and how to build upon and grow your friendships!
ReplyDeleteWanted Dear God please send me a real friend!
I love this. I have so many reactions, so I am going to slow down and take it one at a time. First--We have the opposite situation in our church... Most of us are servants, and we hang out at church until everyone is gone. And actually, my whole life has been like this. My family is always last to leave the church, lol... Even when we had a two hour drive ahead of us. So the problem becomes how to entertain those who aren't Sunday school servants until the rest of us get out (or how to bring them back into the fold).
DeleteSecond--I hear you! Real friendship is hard to come by :). I have been blessed to learn sooooo much about friendship in the last two years. All that is needed to have a real friend is to be a real friend. And sometimes that takes some awkwardness before trust can be built. Sometimes you have to keep knocking on someone's door. Maybe I need to write a post about this, but basically--invite people out to coffee one-on-one. Invite people to your house for dinner. Message the group that you're going to a restaurant (yes! sometimes you'll end up going alone! and it will suck! but try to have one or two people you can count on to be there). Ask about people. I had NO idea how important this was for YEARS. Just a text in the middle of the week saying "Hope you're doing well" makes a HUGE difference to someone's day. It'll feel weird at first, but keep at it. God has surrounded you with potential real friends. Now open up to being hurt and reach out first. Send "I'm here and I love you" signals.
In conclusion--yes, a thousand times yes, people need peeling and I have never "peeled" a person and not found an amazing, beautiful soul inside. Never. Much love. And if you want me to ask about you, just send me an e-mail at bloggingtasoni@gmail.com. I'm not the best friend, but I'm not half bad.