Thursday, November 14, 2013
Since becoming a mom five years ago, I think I have completely lost all ability to have fun. Stress and worry. Those are my two modes of being. And I'm pretty worn out. I'm ready to be fun again, to have fun again. I think the number one beneficiaries of said state of fun would be my two kids. I really need to chill out. Can I? Is it possible?
As an example of how far I've gone with this... The other night I was working in the office, and my babies were both asleep in a different part of the house. We were alone, just the three of us. I thought to myself, "If an intruder came into the house, my instinct as a mom would be to run to the kids. But that might lead him straight to them. I have to plan ahead. I have to overcome instinct. When he breaks in, I have to run to the opposite side of the house. I wonder if there's anything heavy to hit him with over there. Could I lock him in the bathroom? If he shoots and I lay bleeding, will he head to the other room? If he does, how will I save them?" And so on. This is how my brain runs now. Five years of this. No wonder I'm losing it.
Somehow my husband has maintained his fun-hood. He still makes me laugh like crazy, even when I'm insanely stressed. Earlier this week, he did some pretty hilarious character impersonations. Now if I could convince him those have a place in his sermons...
What I'm trying to say is that being a mom requires constant vigilance, requires caution and watchful concern, and no one can keep that up 24/7 the way a mom can. I am constantly giving safety and health instructions to my daughter, and most of these instructions are completely valid. But can I really save my children by being their secret service? Logically, I would argue no (emotionally is a different story). They have to be allowed to live full lives. They have to be allowed out of the bubble. Or at least, the bubble I've created needs to be flexible enough to allow me to be the happy and laughing and fun mom that I meant to be back when I first held a doll. The truth is only God keeps them safe.
I promise it's going to be easier! You'll start getting more sleep and fun tasoni will reemerge. You'll see what capable little people they're becoming and bit by bit you'll give them more autonomy and they'll thrive. The worrying will never stop, but you'll parent them despite it. It's like falling in love. Everyone tells you you'll know it when it happens, but until it does it's impossible to imagine it happening. Your family is in my prayers. Love, A sister in Christ
ReplyDeleteThank you :). This comment--and your prayers--mean a lot to me.
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